The Girl Who Was On Fire

Tuesday 6 March 2012

It's almost 11.30 and I just attempted to swallow twenty pills. It didn't work of course and I vomited after the fifth or six one. Only one pill stayed in. I'm such a failure. I can't even kill myself successfully. I'm fucking useless. I feel like crying and I'm coughing like mad now. Fuck this shit. I don't wanna try overdosing again today. my throat hurts like hell

? spooked at 07:28

Sunday 4 March 2012

Tomorrow's the day. It could be the day to save my life or it could be the one to end it. Out now.Hanging out with a few friends to see if they could be a reason to live. They are important to me and I actually smile when I'm with them but I'm not like a real friend. I wonder if I should get some form of help. Like maybe from Mr Abdat or something. I don't know. Is this doubt? Whatever. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

? spooked at 22:58

Friday 2 March 2012

I think I'm falling sick. I feel even worse today. I cried a bit during English and History. I wasn't sobbing but I was tearing up. I guess Mr Abdat must've realised cause he asked to see me after History nd asked me if I was okay. I just told him I felt nauseous. He said my eyes look very sad. Is it that obvious? Ugh, I hate going to school but I hate being stuck at home even more. I just feel like crying now. My eyes are actually burning.

? spooked at 04:09

Tuesday 28 February 2012

Thinking of suicide again. Don't know what to do. I just want to scream and cry. I can't take this. I have no real friends, my family hates me. I have nothing to live for. If my family knew about "it", they'll hate me even more. They'd probably kick me out. I'm sinful in their eyes. I'm unnatural.
I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to pretend like everything's okay. I should just get it over with.

? spooked at 08:26

Sunday 29 January 2012

School started. So far, it's been okay. Not good but not bad. I dislocated my knee about a week ago. Was in a cast but removed it yesterday. I have to use a knee brace now which sucks but it's better than that damn cast.
Quite pissed today. My parents really don't allow me to do anything. I just wanna go to the fucking library! Not a pub or something. Right now, my sisters are out doing that shisha thing while I'm rotting at home. Fuck this shit man. They're using my parents' money for shit like cigarettes and booze when all I want is to go to the damn library which doesn't cost anything! They aren't even letting me go to school. I know it's surprising that I wanna go but I didn't go to school for a week! I miss my friends and there are tests this week. Whatthefuck. I'm way behind in Maths, Science and History. I don't give a fuck about Malay so screw that. English is just Narratives which I'm okay at. I'm so pissed. If you don't allow me to go to school then at least let me go to library! I'm freaking suffocating here.
Anyway, I don't think I hate myself as much as I used to. I haven't purged in about two weeks. Haven't starved. I still think that I'm a fat pig but I seem to be more accepting of the fact that I will be forever ugly. I'm not revolted when I look in the mirror anymore though. If I have another breakdown, at least I won't be smashing mirrors.

? spooked at 03:03

Tuesday 6 December 2011

Haven't written in such a long time. Rotting at home. REALLY wanna go watch The Muppets but parents say cash is low now. Ugh. It's already December. I REALLY don't wanna go back to Hell. The only upside is the fact that we'll be doing Poetry for Literature. And I don't even know if I'll be getting the same teacher. I only like my English and Literature teacher. I'm gonna have a Christmas movie marathon to try to get me in a Christmassey mood. It's gonna be hard to celebrate Christmas cause my Grandma's death anniversary is like two days before Christmas and her funeral was on Christmas last year. Still sucks to think about it even though we weren't close when she was alive.
Anyway, gonna have to start going Christmas shopping soon. Will ask Amanda if we can go together. Though I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to be seen with me. We really drifted apart over the past few years. I miss her. Okay, I got to stop being such a sad little bitch. I want to try to see if there is a way I can get exempted from Malay. Praying I can.

? spooked at 12:00

Sunday 27 November 2011

So, starving myself this week. Have to lose the weight I gained back. Started purging again. Haven't written in a few days. My Disney movie marathon was fun. I loved singing along to the old songs. Haven't done anything important since then. I've just been rotting at home. I did continue writing my story though. It's quite crap. Nothing else to write about. Bye, I guess.

? spooked at 22:32

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